Grange, Co Sligo- I repeatedly go to the library to check out the film Five Easy Pieces with Jack Nicholson because the tagline always makes me laugh.
“He was in the fast lane on the road to nowhere.”
Lucky for me “nowhere” has turned out to be one of the most beautiful places I have ever lived, the landscape, the culture, the creativity all conjured up in some metaphysical dreamscape.
I like to observe an idea Julia Cameron calls synchronicity. When combined with intuition, synchronicity allows you to fuel yourself from within, based on your daily life.
Living more exposed in this way, raw, some may even say “naive,” yet with a childlike innocence, I have managed to land here, fat and happy.
I get hurt more often and sometimes harder because I am a free spirit. I am impulsive. I take risks. Instead of going home after getting my heartbroken like everyone else, the summer after my first year of uni I moved to Los Angeles to work for Larry David.
I met and married an Israeli 12 years my senior before graduating with a Bachelor of Science in Biological Anthropology which is all the rage nowadays connecting our behaviours to our evolutionary history at the tender age of 21.
It didn’t work out after my family and friends disowned me, but that man still loves me to this day! Probably more than most of my family members and definitely longer than anyone who wanted to shame me for it back then. Now, nobody would bat an eye if I fell in love with a 44 year old artist with an apartment overlooking Bondi Beach, in fact some may applaud it.
I went back to school to become a nurse, not a doctor despite people warning me that all nurses do is clean shit. I’ll fly on the wings of an international nursing career anyday.
Sure I became homeless with my dog after my second marriage fell apart in Amsterdam and when everyone expected me to come home, I took a ferry towards a voice calling my name in a van about to spontaneously combust.
I am not saying to be reckless or terribly stupid but I am saying don’t give up on yourself especially when you know who you are or you are at least willing to find out.
And if I were a man, my marriages would just be long term relationships that mom never knew about and my err abortion, err miscarriage, “whatever that was,” would never be heard of again.
It’s hard. It is so hard to disappoint people and not meet their expectations of you. It is so hard to follow your heart and to try and understand what it is telling you.
So when all else fails…
‘stop often, listen closer and look longer’
– Robert Lloyd Praeger (Irish Naturalist)
A special shout out to all the people who have helped shape me into the human being I am today. All of my love.